you were the rebound that bounced right back at my face

Today I woke up with a nagging headache, yes, to the point that that headache woke me up. Maybe it was caused by one of the strangest dreams i had in months (that i remember) and the nightmare-ish (to me) conversation we had.

“I went out with someone.”

As i am writing this, I have the same reaction that I had when you told me this. The speechless,
confusing and mind numbing responses that are all at the same time yelled to me by my inner voices (it was such a long debate in my head) are swimming through my head.

But I think we have handled the situation pretty well. Now we know that we want different things
from each other and there is no middle to meet halfway.

There is a tinge of regret on my part, that wished i was ready to move on from him, when we
first met. That i wish i gave you the chance that you asked. I wish i gave you a fair fighting
chance against him.

I needed the time and i wasn’t just ready. And by the time that I was okay, you’ve moved on (or
moved back?)

Ours was a story of something that never will because of the bad timing and because whatever we are feeling for each other it’s just not -it-.

To you, it was not worth giving up the others. The irony is, i was ready to give up my
set of others. To hurt my pride even more, is that you’re the guy who wants to be in a relationship, not just with me.

I foolishly thought that it won’t hurt, but it did. I had to stop because I was starting to get
jealous of her and then them. What right do i have? And I don’t like the idea of me competing
with others for the attention that was once mine. It was and it was just isn’t.

I am not the person who’ll plead and wait for you, I just wanted to process my feelings.

I have too many lessons learned, one of which is that I have a limit when it comes to this emotional BS.

Now, I’ll have to get back to my life and hopefully, that someone with all this bad timing too and the -it- that we’re missing will walk into my life and all the time will just be in sync.

Yeah, I’m shocked too of how I, of all people, am just this foolishly hopeless romantic.

And yes, as we part ways, it was nice to meet you.

i just do

I have seen you with her.

My thoughts?

“Really? Her over me?”

Bikini bod? To me a real skinny, close to a person who has a severe case of TB. – not really true. She has a beautiful figure. One of my insecurities as of the moment is being on the heavier side…so go figure.

 

What makes me better than her, if she has you?

In cold nights,

In warm mornings,

Beneath the sheets,

Its her wrapped around your arms..

 

Its not your or her loss, its mine.

I’d like to console myself that I do not deserve you, that any man would be lucky, if not blessed to have me. That I deserve better.

-oh the things women say to themselves.

 

In the end. I miss you. I just do. 

LOVE and Deleting Files

When I opened my notebook this evening, I was devastated, distraught, shattered, wrecked – you get the point – when I realized that I accidentally PERMANENTLY ERASED MOST OF MY FILES.

YES. DELETED. NADA. NO MORE.

Movies I haven’t even watched yet, Series that I keep on watching over and over again (READ: DOCTOR WHO 5 and 6), Photos that hold some of my dearest memories GONE. And yes without any back-up.

I was upset for a minute or two, okay five seconds, I was upset for 5 seconds and accepted that I cannot do anything anymore to bring back the things that are already gone.

Then it dawned on me – just picture me sitting seriously facing my laptop, then the camera zooms in for a more dramatic effect – deleting files and moving on from relationships are so similar.

There are moments when you just have to let go. When there is no more space on your hard drive you either buy an external memory storage device or delete files. In relationships we do that as well, when things go from push to shove, whether be it from literal closet space or emotional clutter, you either pray that the Almighty One give you patience or talk to the other person (like compressing files) or delete some stuff or your partner entirely – I mean break-up and not murder or any felony.

Sometimes we do it accidentally, unintentionally (like what I did with my files); sometimes we just fall out of love and ask ourselves was it really love? Sometimes we look at the person we love as if he or she is a complete stranger, like there was nothing in common between you two, not even the feelings that used to be mutual. Sometimes it’s just gone like that before you come out of the relationship, you realize that it has long ended, or maybe there wasn’t anything to it really.

But most of the times, you stare long enough to the monitor, summon all the gods and pray that they give you the courage, you muster the strength to hit the button ‘delete’. Half of you or most of you screaming inside to that one part that had the audacity to press that darn key. It consumes you – whatever that it is. Maybe it’s the idea of being close to someone, the idea of the relationship, maybe the relationship became a habit, and you know what they say about habits. But then there is a part of you that is relieved, somewhere in you there is something yelling ‘FINALLY’ or ‘FREEDOM AT LAST!’

There are times that you really know you screwed up, decided that you are really at fault for moving too fast and you make your mind up that whatever it is is worth the trouble so you make it up. For the laptop you just go to someone who knows how to fix some stuff, or if you can do it yourself you recover your files. Sometimes you are lucky to have it backed-up or saved by the bin. In a relationship, sometimes you also get it back, sometimes not.

So when deciding to remove files or a relationship, be always sure because there are things that you cannot piece back together (like Humpty Dumpty). There are also things that although happen accidentally to you, you ended up not dreading at all.

There still is disappointment when I open the folders containing – er used to contain my stuff that I held on too for so long, BUT now, there’s room for new downloads. Plus, now I know that I have to spend time with the things (and yes, people) and maximize that moment I have with them – for the movies, I will watch them whenever I can – and if they are not really worth keeping they can be deleted so that I can have free space for something new: no more excess baggage, no more holding on to unimportant stuff.  Shift Delete has taught me a valuable lesson: BE SURE.

 

__________

How does someone accidentally PERMANENTLY ERASE MOST OF HER FILES? Shift Delete baby! I thought there were duplicates in my documents folder, apparently it just added locations to my libraries. Ohhh, that’s another relationship thing, BE SURE. CLARIFY things before making harsh decisions. J